Understanding

I just had this terrifying moment where I realized how little I am trusting God. I love to be like, ‘I don’t have to worry about this because I know God has it covered!’. Sometimes I think that I was late for work because if I had been at that intersection at the moment I intended to be, I would be dead. If I had ended up going to that restaurant, I would’ve gotten sick. If I had said that snappy comeback that came to me hours after an argument, I wouldn’t have any friends.

At the same time, though, I sit here sad about all the things that haven’t happened the way I wanted them to.

It’s things like, why did I move to this city? If I was trying harder, could I be more fun to be around? What if I’d saved more money and could go to the school I really always dreamed of? Had I said all the words I’d been thinking, would I be in a relationship with the guy I had liked so much?

Honestly, the answer is probably yes. But we can’t see the whole big picture, because we are really, really small. There’s no proof that, everything as intended, we would end up with what we ultimately wanted. We could mess so much more stuff up.

And here’s the reality (as I tend to outline in every single post (sorry)): It didn’t happen that way. For whatever groundbreaking, universal, incomprehensible reason, those things did not occur, and the perceived result didn’t either. I am where I am.

I could’ve been better, but I wasn’t, and that’s a little disheartening; but with everything, you learn better for next time. You learn to say the things you mean so you can sleep at night. You learn to save a little more for the next emergency. You learn to leave earlier to avoid the traffic. If we didn’t know what it was like to miss out, we would take everything for granted.

You can lose battles and still win the war.